GENDERQUEER

GENDERQUEER

film, photography, spoken word

2024

Artist's Statement

My most vulnerable project yet depicts the relationship between my experiences with endometriosis/adenomyosis, social norms, societal expectations, and gender using a blend of raw spoken word, photography, and documentary-style filmmaking.

This piece was inspired by the audio, a voice memo recorded on September 7th, 2022 in my car outside of the hospital where I had just finished my six month post-op for endometrial excision surgery. I had just found out that based on the persistence of some localized symptoms that I had adenomyosis in addition to endometriosis and that my only options for pain reduction were various forms of hormonal birth control or hysterectomy. I was distraught by the news and recorded the memo to release the torrent of thoughts and emotions from my mind. At the time, I had no intention of sharing that verbal diary entry with a single soul. However, some months later, I felt compelled to bring to light the pain that comes with these physical ailments and how they intertwine with the complexities of genderqueer identities. 

It became my goal to display the duality of internalized uncertainty that is often rooted in societal expectations along with the inflated confidence that is required to combat those that deny queer identities and their legitimacy due to a lack of explicit “proof”. My understanding of my nonbinary identity has evolved and expanded greatly in the 16 months that elapsed between capturing the audio and completing the film, but many of the thoughts expressed in this film remain in my mind and represent the desire to put words to an indescribable experience. It’s something as ineffable as knowing why one’s favorite color is yellow and another’s is red. And yet, I seek to reason with the world, because the world has asked that of me.

The presence of interjected photographs provide isolated moments that read as undeniably self assured and, without the context of the film and prose, insinuate an irrefutability to my understanding of myself. However, the context allows the viewer a peak into the process of me crafting my appearance; questioning what shoes to wear, what pants to wear, if my hair looks right. There are numerous unsure moments to confirm that I don’t have it all figured out, but that I’m still going to capture a version of myself that conveys an opposing narrative. 

If I never find myself in the position of having it all figured out, that is okay, because every day I am learning more and at the very least I know with certainty that I am genderqueer, with or without proof that another person deems sufficient.