Two years ago today I tried to end my life. Most don't know this as I didn't share it with those who weren't frequently present in my life and I wasn't sure I'd ever share this publicly because of the culture we've developed around avoiding discussing painful topics for fear of “triggering” others, but this was an important moment in my life that became an incredible, beautiful turning point and I refuse to let stigma pressure me into concealing something that is simply part of my story now.
I spent the first 22 years of my life persistently suicidal, but never acted on it because I still had access to potential treatments and changes I could make in my life that I wanted to see through. But on August 12th, 2023, ten days after my birthday that I was too depressed to celebrate, I finally hit my breaking point. I had tried years of talk therapy, EMDR with multiple therapists, TMS, a slew of medications that often made things worse, psilocybin (but not in the right setting), self admission to inpatient treatment, and probably 10 million other things I couldn't possibly list out. I had run out of options that I could afford. My parents didn't understand the severity of what I was experiencing and were unwilling to support me in accessing other options that I believed could be helpful, but would cost money.
I felt deeply alone in my life after being harmed countless times over by people who claimed to love me: family, partners, and close friends. I was enrolled to go back to school for art therapy that fall, but I knew I didn't want to be an art therapist, therapy just seemed like a fitting path and I already had three semesters of photography credits under my belt. But I had no clue what I wanted to ultimately be, I couldn't see my life five years down the line, I just knew I didn't want to be a receptionist anymore. I was still struggling with debilitating undiagnosed chronic illnesses that I couldn't treat without being able to name them. I felt I had nowhere left to turn for help of any kind.
My attempt was not a decision I made for attention or to “prove” my depression, much to the disbelief of my inpatient psychiatrist. I was exhausted in every sense of the word and fully ready to be done with the life I had. From the moment I made my plan to the moment I went unconscious, I felt deep peace about my decision. But when I woke up in a hospital the next morning and suddenly had parents who were willing to do anything to keep me alive, I gained access to everything I needed to make real change.
I tried a month in residential treatment, which kickstarted some of my desires to finally face maltreatment and conflict head-on, but I left early because of all the capitalistic and unethical systems that were at play. After some research, I decided IV ketamine therapy would be the next thing I threw at the wall to see what might stick. The research was extremely promising, and I knew that I was someone who needed deep neurological change. And I got it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, facing all my traumas like that, enduring the emotional processing that was required, and admitting the terrifying truths of why my brain worked the way it did. But after 10 sessions, I woke up, and I knew that was it. I got what I needed. And I knew before I even opened my eyes that I wanted to bring this healing to as many other people as I could, and set on the path of becoming a psychedelic assisted psychotherapist.
My journey didn’t end there, it never does, but my brain was finally quiet. It was like all the traumas that used to constantly scream in a cacophonous chorus at the front of my brain had been put to rest in bed behind closed doors. They’re all still living inside me and have the potential to be awoken, but I have the tools to put them back to sleep now. After a couple months I noticed the antidepressant effects wear off, but I was suddenly capable of asking for help when that happened. I finally found a medication that works for me. And I found a trauma trained therapist that was able to help me process my past. I journaled, I made art, I made commitments to my well-being that I was previously incapable of making. I developed the ability to identify and remove people from my life who didn’t align with my values or well-being. And possibly most importantly, I started holding the people I love accountable when they mistreated me, and began engaging in relational repair with the people who I knew were worth the anxiety of difficult, honest conversations. And I never stopped.
Now I find myself surrounded by such an abundant amount of genuine love and care from so many incredible people who are dedicated not only to treating others well, but also to their own growth and healing. Something I've learned is imperative to mutual respect and appreciation. These people have become the most important parts of my life and I’ve developed a deep drive to foster community when possible. But that’s not the only positive change I’ve been able to make.
In the year following my attempt, I made my first short film. I went back to school in the spring of 2024, which I’ve managed to stick with and succeed at since. I shot numerous sets of self portraits to regain a sense of confidence and safety in my body. I worked as a club photographer. I danced my heart out at concerts, clubs, and raves. I finally got diagnoses for my previously mysterious illnesses after 10 years of desperation and I committed to focusing on managing my health. And I had the best birthday of my life at that point celebrating 23 with two of my favorite people in the world. It was around this time that I took the photo on this page to commemorate the improvements I’d made in my life. I was intending on painting it and posting the painting, but ultimately decided that I didn’t want to spend so much time meditating on the painful aspect of that time in my life, and I wasn’t quite ready to share this story publicly.
And so that brings me to the most recent year. The most wonderful year of my life. I reached out to a ketamine clinic for an internship and they took a chance and invited me into their practice to make art and spend time with patients undergoing treatment. I got a job at a rock climbing gym, which I’ve wanted ever since leaving Vertical Dreams when I was 18, and I started rock climbing again. I held a concert on my porch. I opened myself up to dating again after a year of not seeing anyone for fear of not being able to hold firm boundaries. I’ve slipped up a couple times, but I’ve always come back to myself in the end and ultimately have had fun with my experiences. I hosted my biggest Friendsgiving in four years with fifteen people all crammed in a one bed one bath, but we made it work, and they all helped me set up and clean up in a way I’d never had help with before. I made homemade croissants (which has always been on my bucket list and they were delicious). I was hired for my second semester with the ketamine clinic to spearhead a research project and paper about mental health services available at major metro-Boston colleges and universities. And now they've hired me as a per diem Spravato technician with the option to become full time as soon as I'm ready. I experienced the most magical night of my life when I got to be a designer in my first fashion show, which I can truly say I’m so proud of, that all of the people I love most showed up for to support me, and that led to a bunch of non-binary kids coming up to me afterwards to tell me how much it meant to them (I cried so much that night). Weeks later I began designing another line centered around the idea of community for a future show. I was accepted into my first film festival and got to watch my first short film on the big screen in a crowd and cried as it played. I did my first solo trip abroad and not only survived, but absolutely loved it.
I even graduated therapy after months of cancelling appointments I didn't feel I needed, which is something I never in a million years thought would be an option for me. The last one I went to I scheduled because a few too many distressing events piled on top of each other at the same time, but by the time of the appointment the next day, I realized I had already figured out how I was going to deal with everything and was no longer in distress. Because I learned how to cope, process, and act in accordance with my values without external guidance. I just hadn't realized that until I was on zoom with my therapist, sharing fun updates 15 minutes into our “emergency” session.
I spent this last year truly living in alignment with my core values and chasing my dreams, being fearless in my pursuits, or terrified and doing it anyways. I’ve constantly sacrificed my already miniscule free time for the sake of saying yes to life and ensuring I don’t miss a drop of what it has to offer. I’ve become hungry for experiences and they seem to find me everywhere I go. I used to spend so much time sitting on my couch inside watching TV, scrolling on my phone, feeling lonely and isolated and missing out on everything because that was all I had the capacity for. Now I’m making up for it. I’ll deal with the stress of working two jobs, being in school, taking care of my health, maintaining strong social bonds, and creating meaningful, but extremely time consuming, art if it means getting to make up for all that lost time. I don’t blame myself for what I couldn’t do back then, but I will never let myself revert back to that state if I can help it.
I’ve fallen in love with the life I have now and the person who I’ve become. I crave the future that I can finally see for myself. I do wish I could be done with school already and in my career so I could have some more free time, but there is nothing I would change about where I’m at right now. I could die today without a single regret because I stopped living in fear and surrounded myself with love.
I’m not sharing all of this as a catch-all “it gets better” story, because it doesn’t always get better. Not for everyone. Plenty of people succeed in ending their lives and plenty of people make attempts and survive, but don’t have anyone who cares enough or is financially successful enough to support them in the wake of that experience. I was extremely lucky and privileged to have the opportunity to get where I am today. The point of this story is that access and community are what make getting better possible. Access is one of the biggest barriers to well-being. Whether it be financial, time, or transportation, we need to prioritize supporting one another in gaining access not only to treatments for mental and physical health, but also joyful experiences that fill our cups, and other people who we can deeply connect with. Having a strong network of loved ones who you can call in a crisis to help ground you or give advice, and people who you can celebrate with, and people who you can simply silently share space with or watch a movie with in comfort make all the difference in well-being. Good relationships are scientifically proven to be the greatest indicator of human happiness. We’ve always been pack animals. We’re not meant to move through life alone.
So make time for the people you love. Don’t just expect them to show up for you, but show up for them as well, even when you feel like you don’t have the capacity, because it’s also proven that helping other people when you’re struggling makes you feel better, too. And also, be there when it’s easy. Be there when it’s fun. Be there when it’s boring. Be there when it’s vulnerable. If you do nothing else in your life, just be there. In connection. With people who prove themselves deserving of being in your life. And leave the rest. If someone is consistently taking more than they’re giving or hurting more than they’re helping, let them go. Make room for souls that are meant to dance with your soul in harmony. I promise they’re out there. And you deserve to know that magic. And that magic will heal you without you even realizing until it’s already happened. It certainly healed me.
